This is the month that was suppose to change our lives, the month that nothing would ever be the same, the month we wouldn’t be able to play our little games. I looked forward to it, and so did you. We would be a complete family it would no longer just be me and you. I remember how excited we were, we almost didn’t believe but when we looked again all our fears were relieved. We made plans and thought of names, we pictured our future and when the payback of our childhood would begin. Everything seemed so different after that night, we no longer started pointless fights we were to distracted about what was going to come, we thought of another child and then some. Then came that day, the day it all hit. When I got that phone call, the words she spoke I’ll never forget. I thought I was going die, and part of me wanted to, I couldn’t even imagine the pain that he was going through. I lost my faith that day, I didn’t understand how God could do this to me and you, how could he take our dreams in such a harsh way. I lost part of me that day, its a pain that I know will never go away. Its the small things that get to me, the small things that no one else can see. Everyone says that it will happen again one day, that God wanted it this way. I prayed one night and begged to let everything be okay, but nothing ended that way. I lost my hope in God that day, and Im not sure it will ever return, but until then I’ll hold back my tears and cover my fears.  I hope our baby knows we loved it, and though we never met there will always be a place in our minds and hearts where the memory is set.

Secret thirteen; God let me down, and im not sure if i’ll ever believe again.

Have you ever loved someone so much its almost like an addiction, almost like your an addict to the friction. You get so high when they are around but without them you seem to crash to the ground. Its like up and down sometimes your breathing normally and sometimes you feel like your about to drown. Everyone seems to push you to quit telling you its the right thing to do, but without that person you feel like your not even you. Not able to remember times without him, it seems to be so long ago, not wanting to quit makes it such a hard fork in the road. The high you get its unbelievable but when the pain of coming down hits the happiness seems unretrievable. Feeling like no one understands and being in it all alone seems like the only thing you can do is wrong. But I must give some credit because he is the only one who’s been there for me, just like a drug he is my eyes when I cant see. I’ll never listen to those around me telling me to quit, this is my ife and this is the way it is. I say I won’t ever it’s just what I  do, I love the high I get when I come around you. Some say its unhealthy, some say I’ll see one day, some say this isn’t the right way, some say your wasting your time, some say I’m an idiot and that im blind. But i say this is what I want, I say i only need him, I say no one else will ever care like him. This addiction is exactly what I need, its an addiction I’ll always feed.

Secret twelve; It may be back and fourth and it might be the hardest thing in my life but i’ll never give up, people say rehab is for quitters anyways.

What does a person do when she has lost everything including you, yeah you are still here to hold me and to wipe my tears but what happends when you leave, will all your feelings dissapear. You don’t understand that I need you, I need you to be me because without im incomplete. Without you it feels as if im a empty shell, even though we’ve been through hell, even though we yell and scream, even though we make a scene, even though sometimes it gets hard to deal, even though we say words that could kill. We are strong and we can make it through because now we can’t just worry about me and you. We have to grow up fast if we want this to last, but I know we can do it, its not a doubt in my mind we are so different, so one of a kind. We are going to prove everyone wrong, we are going to make our own life song. I remember when we didn’t even care now its our future that we plan to share, its almost like im in a dream, lost in time but i know when im lost you will be the one I will always try to find.

Secret eleven; I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else.

Its amazing how things change, how at one moment you are surrounded by people who love and support you then the next you see those same people but they look at you as if you are a stranger. Its amazing how the people change but the pictures don’t, and how conversations stop but the memories don’t. Its amazing how the people you could rely on to take care of you and share your darkest deepest secrets with want nothing to do with you. Its amazing those songs that remind me of all the laughter make me cry now. Its amazing that nothing will ever be the same. Its amazing how all the blame is put on me, intentionally or not. Its amazing how the warm summer days full of pot, vodka, four locos, the lake, the boat, chunky and all the other dogs, camping under the stars, going to McDonalds every morning, riding in the jeep, best friend anniversary, Baxter where It all started, mommy and daddy and us the kids, getting puppies together, Halloween two years in a row, Rick, Rakita, Rakitamatuta etc, spilling everything all the time, circle of death, making fun of people constantly, secret tumblr’s, Walmart at all hours, Kyle’s mom almost dying and everyone laughing, long serious conversations and everything else seems like it never happened. Its almost like it doesn’t matter at all anymore. Its almost like I don’t matter anymore. My eyes are almost swollen shut at this point, but I want you guys, all of you to know that no matter what I love you though I don’t show it, and though I may be the shittest person alive, I love you.

Why did the last one tear us apart?  

As I sit alone, surrounded by the memories of you I can’t help but think what did I do? Every time I open my eyes I see something that reminds me of you I rather just keep them closed I need to erase the memories, its way over due. I think of every laugh we had and every memory we shared, all the moments when we seemed like the perfect pair. I think of every touch and every kiss and everything that I know im going to miss. I dreamt of our future and our life together, I dreamt of forever. I cant sleep, because dreaming of us is more like a nightmare these days, reality is just as hard knowing that I was just some phase. I wish I could forget you, I wish you would leave my mind, I wish I could have seen all the signs. I told you I never would regret you but how can’t I not, you got everything out of me, you have changed me a lot. You tell me to move on, and you say you don’t care it makes me wonder if the love was really there. I would have given everything just to be with you, I still would to say the truth. I seem so desperate, so far from who I am, its like I gave up myself when I took your hand. But it was worth it to me, was it worth it to you, because even through all the shit I still want you but you look past me as if im see through. I feel as if my writing is all the same, crying over you, but what else is there for me to do? I know you wont read this, and if you did I doubt you would care, but just know im damaged now, with no way to be repaired. I wont say ill be alone forever, but moving on will take a long time, can you tell me how to move on when there are pieces of your heart you just cant find? I feel like im just writing and going on and on but there is nothing left for me to do knowing now that you are really gone. You think I don’t blame myself when really I do, every second that goes by I wish I could have been enough for you. But im going to stop writing now, you will never see this anyways, just know that to me I will never have a better day then when you told me you really loved me for the first time. And though I know now there would be an avalanche our love is a mountain I would still climb.

Secret nine; I hold a smile on the outside but inside I am broken.

Living day by day, you have taken all my sadness away, leaving me breathless and my heart not filled with doubt I never though this could happen I though our flame had burned out. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, maybe its something no one else could see. Not one person can see how you look at me, this sounds really cliché and over rated to be honest but our future together doesn’t seem to far beyond us. We disagree at times, but who doesn’t? Nothing is perfect, and neither are we, everyone makes mistakes but sometimes that’s something you just don’t see. Relationships are difficult, especially when two people act sort of the same, sometimes I think we both play to many games. I wrote all the reasons I loved you, and with each one I realized we are made for each other, so when times get rough don’t use anger as your cover. Not talking doesn’t work and giving up doesn’t either, so instead of holding back bring me nearer. I wish you could live a day in my shoes and me a day in yours so we would understand how we both love each other more. You don’t know what you have until its gone, that’s what people say so I wonder sometimes if I leave would that be our last day? Or would you try and work things out? When it comes to that I do start to fill with doubt, not just in my heart but in my mind too, you need to realize how important I am to you, because sometimes I don’t even know but I know in my heart I could never let you go. I need you even if you don’t think so, I only see my future with you so doing what it takes to be together is what ill have to do. I am sincerely happy, I hope you can see it in my eyes, no need for any disguise. We still have a lot to work on and I hope you know that to, so please don’t make me give up on you. You may think I will always be here to stay but you have to start realizing you are pushing me away.

Secret eight; love is enough but sometimes you have to give more.

I want you to be different, I need you to show me not everyone is the same, I need to have something real, I can no longer play these games. I want you to take me far away, in mind, body and soul, I want to feel as if I’ve lost all control. I want you to take all the hurt I hold inside my heart and show me there is no need to push us apart, that you will never leave me and that this isn’t just a dream. I want you to show me romance that no one else has ever seen. I want you love me and not just say you do, I need you to prove to me that nothing could compare to me and you. I want our future to be set in stone, but you have to promise me you will never leave me alone. I want you to love me as I am, I want you to guide me through the things I don’t understand. I want you to tell me that you need me everyday and without me by your side a day is just another day. I want to be the first thing on your mind, I want to be the one in your dreams, I want to be your everything, the one you fend.

I want to think all of that is possible, and I want to think all of that is true, I wish there was such a thing as me and you. I want you to feel like I do, and I want us to work it out. I want to be able to go one day or even a minute with out doubt. But I am realistic, and pessimistic as some would say and I know that their is not a chance you will ever feel this way.

So for now, I’ll live with what we have. Ill hide my feelings and pretend they are something I never had. But every now and then, I won’t be able not to think our relationship is like a ship, trap on dock but has already sank.

secret seven; I can like you all I want, I know we will never work out though.

People judge what I do,

But I’d honestly do anything to forget the memory of you.

It’s the weed that makes me happy

It’s the alcohol that makes me forget

But it’s the pills that brings back the memories and shit

So I use the coke to make me numb

And though it might sound dumb

I know it won’t help forgetting you isn’t possible

And to be honest I don’t know how I’ve dealt

People can think what they want, even if it’s true.

Secrets are what make me inside

One being you.

It’s the weed that gets me day to day

Is it the alcohol that made you stray?

Maybe the pills made you forget me

The coke erased me in your memory.

People don’t know me,

People don’t know you.

So I forget what they say,

But now it’s more like we are forgetting each other

Day by day.

We are just alike you and I.

Using just to get by

So this is it, I am done.

Loving you is like using,

It’s a battle that cant be won.

I can feel the storm coming in my veins; the waiting is driving me insane. A light shower of rain pours down on me, in the puddles on the ground I can see what you have made me be. The thunder in the sky sounds like the beats of your heart, at some point comforting, but I know they could turn and tear me apart. The rain gets heavier and so do my thoughts, killing me slowly drowning me as I walk. As the lighting streams across the sky, I feel as if every stranger I pass can see it in my eyes. This storm is nothing compared to what is inside of me, at least what seems to be. The rain now heavier then I expected, walking as if my emotions can’t be detected. Now the thunder and lighting combine in what seems to be a twisted way to unwind. The wind blows me away, thought my thoughts and feelings seemed to stay. Comfortably numb most would say, now the storm is starting to fade, the skies more clear I can see the new me start to appear. The storm passing, as did I so now there is no reason to cry, no reason to fret, no reason to regret. I walk in silence as clear as the sky, but I know there will be another day that storm will pass back by.

secret five; holding in everything is how I go from day to day, but im okay with that.

How could you do this to me? How you could you bring me up and let me see, see how you were so kind, how could you make me believe everything was fine? How could you look at me and lie, you looked me right in the eyes. I thought you were different but you are just the same, so where should I put the blame? Not on you but on myself, im so stupid, you’re just like everyone else. Hate is such a strong word but that’s all I feel now, nothing left all I do is doubt. Not just myself but everything around me, I guess I was blind but now I can see. I see who you really are, I see how I wasted wishing for us on every star, I see how now you are nothing to me, I see how though I was blind, I didn’t want to see. I see how now I must move on, I see how now, I wasn’t the only one.

I see how now, everything is over and nothing is left, I see how now you will always be my biggest regret.

secret four; you have made me feel the pain I never though I could feel again.

I’ve been staring at this blank page for about an hour now, just thinking. Trying to decide what words would fit, what words could get through to you, what words won’t turn on me, and make you run away again. Every time I seem to write though, the screen gets blurry, and it’s hard to see. Every time I seem to write though, my wrist and fingers start to tremble, and it’s hard to move. Every time I seem to write though, my mind goes blank, and it’s hard to start again. I need to do this though, I have to. Because if not, I feel as if I will have these hard emotions locked inside me, my body is a prison, my heart is the inmate, and you are the only person with a key to set me free. The only trouble though is that you don’t know me anymore, you don’t see me; you have no idea I exist. Why is it always like that? One person has the emotion flowing through their veins, pushing them forward to let the other know exactly how the rush feels. But the other, emotionless. The blood of emotions left their body for you a long time ago. What do you do then? I guess what im doing, dwelling. I dwell and dwell. Just hoping that for one minute you will remember me, one hour we can spend together and rekindle what’s left, one day everything will be back to how it was, one week that will only feel like a few minutes because we are so wrapped in each other, one month and we are talking about our future, one year and forever seems like the only choice.

None of that will happen, so im left here to dwell, so im left here to think alone, so im left with these emotions inside me, so im left here to look at this page and still see it blank, so im left so see all these words, and still not feel like im good enough.

I just want to feel again, I just want to feel that way again. But I cant do it alone and I know that now. But I also know that I cant do it with out you. And only you. I haven’t felt the blood rush through me like I did before, I haven’t felt my heart race, I haven’t felt my body shake, I haven’t felt anything. Love drained. I cant go like this for long. In one day, the twenty third I think I will feel all of this again but not in the way i want. Because without you all the good emotions seem to turn on me, they plot against me and rip me apart. In one short day, all my heart will pour out in front of me, but unlike last time you wont be here to clean me up. Ill be broken again, with out you to fix me. I always try to convince myself I don’t need you, and maybe I don’t. But I need to feel, I need to feel like that again. I’ve gotten to the point where my own mind tries to trick its self into thinking i can get all those feelings back by being with someone else. But my heart is screaming the whole time no, no, no. Nothing feels right, nothing inside of me. I guess ill never be the same, I guess we will never be the same.

secret two; ill always be weak for you.

Breathe in, breathe out. Im just trying to figure everything out.

Every minute that passes by, I fight the tears by body aches to cry

Why is this so hard? Why do I care? Why does life always seem to lead me down the path of despair?

Everything is falling apart; I knew soon this would end. What seems to be left of my emotions sends my head into a spin.

Breathe in, breathe out. Im just trying to figure everything out.

I know you’re better off with out me, im nothing you thought I’d be.

Im nothing you want, trust me I know. Im nothing but a let down, its to hard not to show.

Every hour that passes by, I feel as if im disappearing to nothing at all.

Breathe in, breathe out. Im just trying to figure everything out.

Its done with now, I had to end it all. Because watching you love me made me start to fall.

I can’t handle that again, so please just leave me alone. All I will do is break your heart, I know you aren’t that strong.

Im not doing this for me, im doing it for you.

Please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you.

This is for the best my head tells me so, my heart has no say though I know it doesn’t want to let you go.

Breathe in, breathe out. Im just trying to figure everything out

secret one; I did love him. no matter what I say.